If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
