Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
