I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
