dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize