Will you blow on my dice?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
