he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
