I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
