You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
