First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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