he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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