the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
