I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
