Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
