the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
