capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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