Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize