Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
