Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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