Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
