i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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