i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
do herpes really smell.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
