walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
