I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
