i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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