you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize