I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
