Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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