I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
