It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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