Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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