i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
