a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
