Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize