what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
