you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
