You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
