Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
