Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
