He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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