Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize