Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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