Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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