he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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