Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
