I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
