woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
