so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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