Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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