On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
