Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
