At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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