Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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