I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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