he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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