I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
