My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
